The Pain of Losing a Loved One

In Loving Memory of My Mother, Damiana Arriaga

My name is Betty Nielsen, the founder of Freedom Quilts. Soon the 10th anniversary of 9/11 will hit us all again, and the 10th anniversary for Freedom Quilts will be coming around the corner also. When a quilt is presented to a family who has lost a love one -- whether it's 9/11 or fallen soldiers' families -- I try and write a letter to the families letting them know how our hearts hurt for them. Never do I try and act like I know and understand this pain that the families go through because I know I don't, and I would never want to pretend to. It would be an insult to mourning families if we say we understand when we don't. Only those who have walked those shoes understand.

On May 14, I received the call to come to Ohio because my mother was in ICU. I had no idea it would be to say my good-byes. My mother never opened her eyes, and on May 16 she died. I never got there in time to tell her I loved her and to let her know how much she meant to me. I don't know if my mother heard me or not. We think we have all this time to say how much we love someone, but we don't. Time is short.

I never wanted to be on the side of being comforted. I wanted to do the comforting, and I have -- for almost ten years until my mother's death. The pain is too much to bear. You're numb and feel you have no love to give anymore or feel nothing. Your heart feels like it's been ripped out of your chest, and you just don't care if you live or die. People talk to you and you may say yes and don't even know what you're saying yes to. Little things make me break down and cry. You try to be strong but you have no strength. You try taking one day at a time because you know you can't handle anything more. Faith is the only thing that keeps you going because you believe they are in a better place now -- no more suffering, but it doesn't stop that heart ache.

I have a little more understand what the families are telling me because I have walked in those shoes, and they are shoes I wish no one would have to walk in. Mothers are special and very important in our lives, and when they are gone we have no one to call up and talk to about things that only a mother can understand. A mother's love is not a love that can be replace, and when she gone you are totally empty inside.

I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends that are great with me and are helping me deal with this pain. I have my good days and my bad days. Tonight I went over to my friend's house and we had a wonderful time, but when I came home I thought of my mom and the pain started all over again. Some say time heals all wounds, but I have talked to many that say the pain is still there. They just learn how to hide it from others because people think you need to move on. There is no set time when you stop mourning your love ones. There is no set time when you can say, okay I won't hurt anymore because everyone is telling me I should be okay. You know you have to continue with life, but it doesn't mean it will be easy. There is a huge hole in your heart that will not mend.

More than ever, I know that this project means a lot to families who have lost a love one, so I have to be strong and pick up the pieces and continue. I know my mother would want me to do that. She was the one who taught me to reach out and help others. She always had time for everyone and was good at helping others.

In Memory of a great mother and wonderful Christian woman, I was blessed to have her as my mother and now I need to make her proud and continue this project and bring comfort to those who mourn the loss of a love one. Faith is what keeps me going when all I really want to do is give up, but I don't want to cause this pain to those who love me. For those who haven't taken time to say, "I love you mom," take the time and do so for you never know if that would be the last time you get that chance. Don't wait until it's too late.